Avoidance is a common strategy or style. Be it in the boardroom or the bedroom, some conversations are left unsaid because it’s either too difficult to face or seen as not worth investing in.
A recent client I had was an avoidant type to “keep the peace” but quickly learned that “keeping the peace” was anything but peaceful for him. It affected his work performance and self-esteem.
He had a habit of pushing down what was bothering him (passive) and eventually – sometimes- blowing up (aggressive). He had a hard time expressing his needs and wants in the moment (assertive).
If this sounds familiar to you, here are some things you can do to have tough conversations:
Be proactive. Easier said than done for avoidant types, however, if the conversation is worth having then better now than later. It won’t fester if you speak now, plus the best way over something is through it.
Practice with small things with safe people. If the idea of having a difficult talk with someone is too scary then perhaps start speaking up about a small thing with someone you know is going to be there no matter what. Go from there once your confidence builds.
Work on your boundaries. It’s easier to be assertive when you know where to draw the line. Your boundaries reflect your self-worth, and assertiveness and boundaries go hand and hand.
Respond versus react. If you’re confronted with conflict or a non-ideal situation, try to respond versusreact. Responding is a grounded response which has more impact than reacting. You avoid having a “toxic residue” if you respond as well.
Start with compassion. If someone is not acting like themselves (e.g. being rude, etc.), a great conversation starter or diffusing question is, “Is everything okay?” Asking that question allows someone to take a moment, reflect on their behaviour, and speak how they truly feel which can allow you to speak how you truly feel in a non-confrontational way.
Invest in and affirm the relationship. Whether personal or professional, if we care about a relationship, we will invest in it and affirm it. Having candid conversations or providing feedback is an investment to the relationship, if you didn’t care you wouldn’t bother. You can affirm the importance of the relationship before you start on saying more.
Set an intention for the convo. Stating an intention like, “I hope this conversation will clear the air so we are on the same page about our project” will help with guiding the conversation and getting back on track if the talk goes off course.
Begin with “I feel” statements. A good practice is to use “I feel” statements as that doesn’t typically get people’s backs up. You can start with facts and then support it with feelings or interpretations such as, “We reached half of our goal, and I feel it’s because we didn’t market it properly” or “We reached half of our goal, and I interpret that as we lacked the proper marketing.”
Provide solutions. It’s one thing to share grievances and get stuff off our chest, however, if we want the relationship, or situation, to improve it’s a good idea to provide a solution and paint a picture of how you’d like to see change.
It’s important to have these difficult conversations because otherwise you’re not speaking or living your truth and, like my client, it can slowly eat at you and disturb your peace. If, for some reason, things fall apart once you share how you really feel then perhaps it was for the best. Whether a job or a relationship, was it truly a good fit if you cannot be authentically you? I don’t think so.
If you’re dealing with a tough situation right now and would like more support, please fill out this form to schedule a Get Acquainted & Strategy Session with me.
Best,
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